For me the focus isn't my weight aymore...it's about health. If I eat something that i know is not optimal for me i feel disappointed and angry with myself for not making the best choices or my health. TO be honest I rarely do the fat and ugly thing anymore. And yes, it was like Jen said, always when something else in my life wasn't good that i'd focus on my looks. I've een through an eating disorders outpatients clinic at a hospital and a group therapy through ISIS that went for 4 months so have done a lot of exploring of m issues around food and the underlying stuff. So this disordered eating is now just a bad habit! You know, "I'm feeling stressed, oh, let's eat", "I'm bored, may as well eat so i don't feel anything", "I've just had a therapy session and it's brought up strong emotions i don't feel comfortable with, hmm, yep, I'm gonna eat!" So it's more about being present to the feelings...and doing nothing. Just being with them...and then I think i now need to find a strategy to move the energy rather than pushing it back down with food.
Also I'm aware of the fear of being free of this distraction. If I'm not sick, tired, overstuffed, etc, what would i do with my life? I'd have no excuse to not do all the things i say i want to. You know that Mandela quote about being afraid of being powerful...that's an issue for me. What would i do if I wasn't holding myself back? My big fear i being alone but now i know that's a mindset and also i can create raw community around me and so i won't be alone in the physical/community sense either.
Neet, my phone died...thanks for your number will give you a buzz when i get a chance as i just got a new one yesterday arvo. And I look forward to meeting you when you're on the coast

Yay!!!