I've decided to post my story up here.  As difficult as it may be for me, it might help others and allow me to keep a journal of improving my life through raw and positive affirmations. 

I suffer from anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression.  This has come from many years of living my fears over and over in my head.  I remember the first time I experienced fear as a little girl probably all of six years old thanks to an older boy with something rather silly he said to me.  I also had a fear of talking about my fears, in case they became real (irrational but that is how it goes).  Perhaps that was also from experiencing bullying and having very little friends at school and not finding in my own parents people (btw they're great people) I could open up and communicate about this with from a very early age.   I didn't talk this through with or even let anyone know that there was a problem. 

Things did begin to show though just not identifiable as anxiety disorder.  Pre teens when my family went away for weekends I remember twice going to the hospital.  The first time was for "asthma" which was later diagnosed as hyperventalating and another time because I felt I was hallucinating trying to go to sleep (I'm a pretty crazy dreamer and even happens when I'm in between awake and sleep so I'm pretty certain now that's all it was).

I also developed a behaviour which continued into high school where I'd fear that I was developing symptoms of a million and one different illnesses.  One of my regulars was the ebola virus.  And still I didn't tell anyone.  So fears of my own mortality were a huge issue.  This continues to happen, fearing my mortality, but not with illness but rather events that happen to people will happen to me.

During high school I continued having difficulty fitting in with others but I did manage to find some friends and thank goodness for that.  I did develop these crazy racing heart beats (180 at rest for eg.) which I'd end up in emergency about 5 times only to get a tablet and go home.  I began thinking it had to do with anxiety (though I would not describe it as a panic attack) and when I noticed this racing heart beat I did manage to calm it down by concentrating on my breathing or even distracting myself from it.  I don't suffer from that anymore.

My anxiety and panic attacks really developed about 6 months after a car accident I had around 2004.  After that incident I began to drive pretty much straight away and it would take me about 45mins each way to get to work.  So anyhow my panic attacks would happen in the car, but they would also happen at work.  I had to get my husband to pick me up when I was driving home but one thing I was able to develop was hiding a panic attack pretty well most of the time in a non-driving situation.
 
I saw a psychologist about this for a couple of months early-mid last year.  He gave me lots of exercises and paperwork to read.  But I felt a little patronised by him, like a little kid being spoken to by an adult and I hated that tone when I was a kid so I especially don't appreciate it when I'm an adult.  When I began feeling better I stopped seeing him.  Did he help?  I'm not sure.  But I also began a raw diet around the same time.  But in not loving myself the way I should I fell of that bandwagon and here I am with open arms jumping back on .

Panic attacks also come and go.  You will have periods when you have extreme anxiety which often feeds the panic attacks.  And then other times when you seem to be free of them for months.  However i have to be honest in saying that I rarely go a day without feeling completely comfortable with everything.  I do have little glimpses of gold though and that's what I am now striving to achieve in my life on a much more 24/7 basis.

Today saw me have an attack where I had to get my father-in-law to pick me up in the process of me picking my son up (Btw I was about 100m from the school.  But I was just unable to go further).  This is DESTROYING my quality of life and I am so frustrated and upset.  I have so many yearnings of what I feel I MUST do in my life but this illness is not letting me. 

That is why I have had enough of keeping silent.  I believe that a raw lifestyle is paramount to my success in overcoming this (My diet was so poor but I'll write about that another time even though I've always known better) but also I realise I need to get emotional and spiritual healing. 

So here I am revealing heart and soul.  But I'm ready and I'm tired of it.

Love,
Lou
xxx

Reading: How to heal your life.  By Louise Hay

Thank You Frugi for your support and information   I've just been for a walk down to the river behind my house and played with my kids and I'm feeling better.  I love this site.   I was checking on here every so often (before i registered again recently) for positive stories and recipe ideas and even though people may not know me it's like I very much know them for their posts so thank you to all of you too
One thing that seems so clear to me and really excites me is the raw lifestyle.  I read articles, blogs and watch raw food prep shows and go WOW.  I've always known the importance of eating a healthy diet but for some reason this is the one that just stands out to me and I keep coming back to...absolutely like it's meant to be.

Hi Lou...

I'll leave it to those with similar experiences to yours to comment.

Just wanna say Hi and add...that when the student is truly ready...the teacher will appear...

;-)

John

John you say also: when the patient is ready the healing comes...

all the very best Lou, so good your pointing out this issues...

its so meaningful to keep writing down your feelings, happenings in life on a journal (or one at home if u wish) as writing em on paper can be a great way to bring up this conditions and communicate-heal em with your Inner-Higher Self

wishing you the best!
Ivan

Hi Lib, Thank you for an honest, open and detailed post. I have only just started having what I thought might have been panic attacks or the little sister of panic attacks a little while ago and they are not nice.

I hope that you find some kind of release, trust, repair and strength here.

Much love,

xoxoxo

Wow! I feel tired.  But I feel good.  Since about day 4-5 I began starting to feel more myself and within my own body.  I'm still far from what I aim to achieve and I'm still feeling anxiety but I'm feeling more capable ALREADY at being able to just complete the basic tasks that were setting me off like picking my son up from school.  I would have to say that today was the first day I didn't feel anxious in doing that - YIPEEE!  I did experience anxiety in having to drive myself to college for my first day back.  But I made it and after about 5-10 mins there I felt good in my own skin - ALL DAY.  And I drove home without a hitch and felt so good about it.  Once again - YIPEEE! 

So today is Day 8 on raw and I thought I might give an example of what I've been eating daily;

Morning
Begin with a glass of lemon in warm water
Follow that by a green smoothie; spinach, silverbeet, celery, beetroot, apple, berries
Fruit for morning tea

Lunch
Either more fruit or a lucious salad (depends on what I'm planning for dinner)

Dinner
My fave at the moment is a raw style stirfry - yum yum!
Gourmet raw desert, ie. banana coconut cream pie, choc brownies, Ani Phyo's donut holes

I am increasing my water intake but I believe this could be more.  And I'm also loving ginger herbal tea at the moment.  I'm finding this a warm comfort even though it's not raw.  I think I'd also like to have a green smoothie for dinner too so make that two a day.  I just want to get benefits plus plus plus....   

I have begun exercising more and my aim is to get up at 5.30am to go for a 30min bike ride Monday-Friday.
 
LIFE IS GREAT - YEAHHHHHH 


 

Thanks Joybell for the encouraging words.  Depression, well it sucks.  I have another immediate family member (genetics plays a big part I believe) who also suffers from Anxiety and depression seems to come hand in hand with it.  Actually I've been fairly depressed this afternoon.   I had such a beautiful morning and about lunchtime began feeling anxious and things just went downhill from there.  And I just feel so annoyed with myself and it completely changes my positive outlook.  I am so F R U S T R A T E D by it all.  But I'm so grateful in having this outlet to just go blurgggghhhh 

I was curious in what others thought about me creating a video journal of myself overcoming my anxiety.  Is it a good idea though a frightening one?  Perhaps once I'm better I could edit it and enter it into the raw film festival in the states as a doco.

I'm still going strong on raw by the way.  I'm LOVING it.  I don't want to eat cooked food.  The smell is what gets me (probably triggering memories of being comforted by those foods etc) but it's simply "no, I'm just not interested".  I'm not going so strong on the exercise front.  Did some Yoga yesterday.  I think though exercise is half the answer to solving this.  It really does make you feel brilliant.  And when I was visiting my psychologist last year he said that if you did just one thing in overcoming anxiety then exercise would be it.

lou
xxxx


 

Hi Lou, One step forward and two steps back hey.... I prefer to think "five steps forward and one step back". It's gets me forward faster! LOL. Depression is an ugly beast that can sap your energy. I suffered from it for years. All my life really until I got raw. High raw anyhow. It does come back from time to time... usually when I have pushed myself to far but it doesn't last for long.

You can get past it. I know you can. Seeing where the problems are is the first step I think.

How are you feeling now?

xoxoxo