Ant, you are such a joy in my life. You are witty and wise and very empathic (is that a real word?) also. Miss G, great going with a 48 hour fast! Good for you. I hope you enjoyed your pizza, I won't tell anyone I promise. May, I promise to wipe my chin before I start class.

I was curious about the emotion behind the binge. What caused it? I've had an unhealthy affair with food for a long time and I believe that the recent months have been the healthiest of my life both food wise and emotionally as well as physically and spiritually I'm not doing so bad either. Thanks to my past food problems I know that my eating all that food tonight wasn't about food. It was about fear. What am I afraid of? What are the emotions behind it?

The food didn't supress for long anyhow, I was raging within an hour. But no longer want to eat. I've finally realised that food shouldn't be a tool of self hate or self love. It shouldn't be used to punish myself for not being a good mum or a loving wife or an attentive friend. All three of these things have been neglected lately while I dive further and further into my raw abyss. I feel so driven. So keen to help others who are searching as I did for a path of clarity. Of health without calorie counting and food with ingredients that are numbers.

Tonight I taught myself a lesson. If I am making a conscious choice to have a cooked meal that is fine. But if I am desperate for anything high in fat or sugar to pass these lips of mine then bad luck. If that happens again, I'm dropping whatever it is I'm doing and going to work on it.

I'm sure that it won't be the last time. In fact tonight wouldn't have happened if our routine had been normal. I would have worked on it hours before it got to that stage but hubby was working and I was with the kids who are always difficult on Friday nights. So the focus was everywhere.

I'm rambling. I hope that I've made why I'm curious clear.

Thanks for the thoughts beautiful people.

xoxoxox

And out I went!!! I had a ball! I ate cooked but I'm mighty proud of myself for not drinking! I told myself that I was letting go of alcohol and tonight it felt more important to not drink than it did to eat raw. I wasn't confident enough for both. I had a great time in spite of having no alcohol to relax me so that I could be more witty and offer more to the conversation table. I laughed out loud and enjoyed every moment. After we were all finished we went to the club and I didn't like that. I felt like I was for sale or something. I felt... conspicuous. Like I was up for grabs. Everywhere I looked there were people staring at me, so I bravely.... left!!! And I'm glad I did. Now I can say that my night was fabulash!!!

I spoke to a lady earlier on this week who said that the earth's magnetic field is changing and it's effecting all sorts of things. She said it's why people are becoming more passionate about what they are feeling and why children are climbing the walls. She also said that a lot of people would choose to move, maybe suddenly and computers will become more sensitve. (break! or not work for short periods of time for no reason!). She is supposed to be sending me some links which is why I hadn't posted this before but it looks as though she may have forgotten.

I'm off to bed. Unlike Neets I need sleep! Very proud of you Neety with all that you do. You are still my inspiration! Mwah. Now all I need is to inject myself with some inner strength! More of it I mean!!!

xoxoxo

Poor little Georgia with her tummy pains. I hope she is all better today. You know, it's got me thinking. I'd love to begin again with no cooked food during pregnancy. I doubt that my daughter would cry as much as she did. She used to cry and cry and get the most terrible pains. Poor thing. She nearly drove me demented!

Yup I was very happy with myself for not drinking. My friend whose birthday it was was amazed! She kept saying "are you sure you are all right" until eventually she said, "I should just shut up right!" to which I replied "yes, about alcohol anyhow!!!" It was a fun conversation not a stern one and we had a fabuloso night.

Today was a great day. I went to the organic markets this morning. I'm starting to feel more at home there. I chatted easily to the stall holders and ran into Sheryl and Piers also which is always fun. But not really an accident. I know that Sheryl normally goes fairly early and so I just went early too.  That's called "stacking the odds in your favour"!!!

Breakfast was abut a kg of organic mandarines. In fact I ate so many that I rushed to the loo and my pee was orange! Sorry if that's too much info! I'm obviously not too blocked from the cooked food on Friday and Saturday night... Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

For lunch I had a mega GS of 6 bananas, four huge handfuls of mixed lettuce from the markets, 6 dates and water. Soooo nice. It was really creamy. Hubby had half a glass until a neighbor called in with a couple of cans to drink and so I finished the rest of his glass when he wasn't looking!!!  Who did drink the last of the GS? Heeeeehehehehehe

For dinner I had a simple salad made delish with Freedom's Cirrus Salad dressing. Phwoar. I'm in awe of that woman. She is so talented in the kitchen. You can find the recipe here http://freedomsrawrecipes.blogspot.com/

I'm going to need a snack as I'm a little nibbly. Actually I'm starving which is probably a cooked food hangover. I'm always really hungry after I fall off the wagon. Especially two days in a row. But I feel back on track now. Ready to roll!

Have a great night/day all. Thanks for dropping by my place!

xoxoxo

I've just checked that to make sure the shots came through and my goodness! I don't ever remember being that large... I think I'd talked myself into thinking it was just an eating disorder mentality that I was remembering myself being larger than I was... but no!!! Just so you know, I giggle when I look at the first photo!

xoxo

Takes one to know one Speeds!

xoxoxo

Wow, Jen, how amazing.  I'm so pleased you came across the old photo so you could enjoy and reinforce the good that raw has done for you.  Hope you'll be showing that one tomorrow!!!

Congratulations!!!

Love
May

Wow Jen, that's some tranformation!
It was funny to read you being so sure that you weren't that big before coz the same thing just happened to me... we tooks pics on Sunday of the girls I went to lunch with coz we were in our new outfits and when I downloaded them yesterday I got a real shock - I honestly didn't think I was as big as I apparently am! But photos don't lie, do they...
Nice going girl!!
xox

Well you do have an excuse for staying up so late Jen...can't wait to hear how your first non-cook school went...also to see you at MBS...what fun...life is just sooo good ;-)