Another day, another raw success! Thats 2 and a bit days I've linked together so I'm really feeling pretty happy with myself! I am noticing many benefits, I'm not as tired (I was at work from 7-5 and now uni from 6-whenever I get this assignment done) and going strong. Which is good! Actually I'm having a pretty orange day today, have been craving carrots and oranges, so after my green smoothie this morning thats all I've eaten, 2 oranges, 3 carrots and a mandarin. which is really odd for me because I used to be both anti carrot and anti oranges. Just goes to show that taste buds change.
Today I just want to appreciate my body, its been really good to me lately! Or more specifically I'd like to thank whatever part of me has decided to make this journey easier. I've been drinking more water and actually enjoying it, when I drink it now I can feel my body thanking me. Its a bit of a hippy dippy thing to say but its honestly different. I've always disliked water, odd I know, but I've drunk 3 litres easily the last 2 days. When normally I have to force myself and usually unsuccessfully the last 2 days have been fantastic. Now I know 2 days isn't enough, I have to keep going, but with the current levels of enjoyment I can see and future for me and this love affair with water
Thanks for the encouragement Vilde_Chaya, I appreciate it so much! I am definately hard on myself in most aspects of my life, which is something that I've flagged as needing work in my life and I am dealing with it as I can. But it applies in all areas, at uni I honestly feel that if I don't get distinctions then I'm not doing enough, people keep telling me that its ok to do less but I just can't. At work I beat myself up if I don't have a good day, if I don't do more work than the other people on my team in my head I consider that a failure. Its this thing about balance that I've mentioned in my journal before, I go all or nothing. I think at the moment I've reached "critical mass" so to speak, I'm noticing the negative effects of this more than the postive ones. Sure my career has skyrocketted and my studies are on fire, but the downside is that I have allowed my body to suffer. Previous to dedicating to my career I was incredibly thin and athletic, I had a lot of self confidence and was more approachable and friendly. Now I'm overweight, have bad acne, male pattern hair growth (and loss) and I feel massively defensive when I am with people. I push people away and have abused my body. Its like I was punishing myself for who I was, I think because I felt like when I was that thin person that I wasn't achieving to my full potential. Now I'm still not achieving to my full potential but I'm achieving in a more socially acceptable manner. Workaholism is encouraged almost. But its not healthy and in the end only balance between all those aspects of life, career, health, family, relaxation will ensure true and lasting happiness. Well thats what I'm feeling at the moment. I love the challenge of work and study, I don't want to give that up, but I want to balance it properly with down time and me time. And the same with my health, I want to be raw but I don't want raw to control me, which I think is perhaps why I slipped so far lately, in reading this and other raw forums there are obviously people who have become defensive, pushy and clearly giving up so much to live and promote a raw lifestyle. And this obsession is like any of the others, I could see how that approach could isolate me further. I was scared, scared both of the potential downside (for me knowing my personality, not downside generally) of this as well as the scary scary thought of finally achieving all that I think that I am capable of, that scares me.
Ok, ramble over, I've never before thought or felt any of this stuff so I appreciate having the opportunity to work through it and deal with it....
Have a lovely night/day!!
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