I am a little nervous about posting my daily experiences, I worry that people judge me etc.

Firstly I am a recovering binge eater and bulimic. Even just typing this - I am tearing up.

I have had issues with food since early childhood. Basically animals were my only real friends throughout childhood hence why I went vegan. Lots of things have gone wrong.
But I refuse to be a victim, and I don't feel sorry for myself because I deserve better.
I don't need saving - I am and will be my own hero.

Each day is a huge ordeal for me - little things like going outside are difficult for me. I hope that I can share my experiences with you.

I am making a committment to my health and sanity. I pledge to heal my body and soul and fight with all I have got. I want to love myself and achieve my dreams ( I know this probably sounds a little corny )

My name is Chris, I am nineteen years old and I live in Sydney's southern beaches.

 

Welcome Monkey!

You are here; now it's time to move forward right 1 babystep at the time.

Love eve

Hi Monkey Monkey - thanks for sharing!

I am an survivor of anorexia and still have my 'anorexic panic' days! (As well as being gluten and lactose allergic)

I guess all I can say is that it's a journey. And the last time someone tried to talk me into yet another 'weight loss' program, I realised there's so much more going on in your head than in your body.

There's an interesting thread about healing here on the list, and although I'm not of the more new age spiritual line, I am a very firm believer in the psycho-soma connection. Eating and the connection with your own body is so very intimately tied up with our psyches!

lots of love and hugs!
Niqi
 

Hi Chris, welcome to the forum. I too have dabbled with Bulimia and overeating issues. The only thing for me that has come any where near helping me with my issues is a raw food diet. When I'm on raw my emotions are not so frantic and I don't feel the way I normally do around food. I can take it or leave it. A long way from where I was I can assure you.

That being said I also had a great therapist who helped me along at the beginning of my raw journey. Helped me sort out what was surfacing.

Big hugs to you brave one. It takes a lot to admit that there is something to heal sometimes. Especially when we worry about being judged.

I'll keep an eye on your journal and postings in case there is anything I can help with.

xoxoxoox

Hi Chris....

I was once told that "without courage, there is no hope".

With your attitude of "But I refuse to be a victim, and I don't feel sorry for myself because I deserve better.
I don't need saving - I am and will be my own hero."

And...

"I pledge to heal my body and soul and fight with all I have got."

With those attitudes you have what it takes to achieve anything.

Much love to you Chris.

You will find much support here.

John

Thankyou to everyone for their kind words and encouragement. Much gratitude !

Yesterday afternoon I came across 2 small chocolate eggs - leftover from my last binge. My demon which I call Ed (short for Eating disorder) starting yelling ...

'Terrific, an opportunity to eat until we're sick - then vomit until your head spins' - 'can't waste a single scrap of food you know'.

Naturally this is the last thing I want to do - but Ed loves a tantrum and will try justifying anything.
'The starving children in Africa' ... 'I will leave you alone tomorrow' ...'You won't die from heart failure, today'.

HAH, I know this is bull*.

" LIAR ", I yell.

Before Ed could do anything, like shoving the damn things into my gawking gob -

I reach for the bleach and exterminate the eggs right in front of Ed.

"Take that, I'm not listening to you Ed", I say.

Ed sulks in the corner as I prepare a delicious green smoothie. It was a rather funky combination but it tasted pretty good. My tummy loved it too!

3 ripe tomatoes
1 small cucumber
1 large ripe banana
A handful of coriander
Lots of baby spinach
Lots of wild rocket
A handful of rainbow silverbeet
A generous pinch of cayenne
Some spirulina powder

Kept me going for ages !

I also tried Harley's original coco pops last night. I love trying new things  
It was pretty good - they really did come out like the Kelloggs version.

I am reading a book by Jenni Schaefer 'Life without Ed'. It teaches one on how to treat your eating disorder as a relationship, not a condition. By thinking of your eating disorder as an individual personality separate from your own, I am working to break up with Ed once and for all.

This is a great page which I refer to frequently - "Ed is the boyfriend or husband you wish you never had."
http://www.jennischaefer.com/unique.php

Good for your Chris. A great and good experience. I think you are wonderful and courageous.

ooxoxoxo

The green smoothie that I made this morning was fabulous.

1 fuyu fruit
1 orange
1 cup papaya chunks
Aloe vera
Baby spinach
Silverbeet
Parsley
Wild rocket
Spirulina

My eating disorder was giving me hell today. All Ed wants me to do is binge eat. I couldn't give in - I just don't want to. It scares me so much.
I accept that there is going to be a fight on my hands everyday - but it is daunting to think that I may have to fight exactly the same battle everyday for the rest of my life. I suppose that is why many bulimics and anorexics committ suicide. But my rationale is that if I committ suicide then it simply puts the end to me and not the disease.
Plus I know that dying is exactly what Ed wants me to do. I on the other hand have so much to live for and so much I want to do 

Another thing which is bothering me - my mum and I had to leave my dad. He is not a good person and has a lot of unhealthy lifestyle habits .. I'm sure you can use your imagination. I am happy to get out, but I had to leave my animals behind. I can not keep them where I am living now. My beloved friends are being abused and mistreated - my father is too selfish to look after them. 'They are not mine' he says.
I made the descision yesterday to get them out of there, but to do this I will never be able to see them again. Where they are going is a 9 hour drive away. It is breaking my heart but I have to put them first and not be selfish. I love them and need to put them first. I am so furious at my father for what he has done - why couldn't he just take care of them?
You couldn't ask for two better dogs and they are only small, it's not as if he is having to spend vast sums of money feeding great danes.