Today was good, although I was very tired since I didn't sleep well last night.  But, I had a good day hanging out with my mom and treating her to a little makeover in the form of a great hair cut.  I also did well in my last interview; I'm awaiting the final verdict.  I walked around some stores and did some dancing, leg lifts, and stretching in my place for exercise--I'm feeling weak and sore from yesterday and the new detox, which is just fine. 

I ate 5 Thai mangoes, big organic salad with the finest sun-dried tomatoes and 1/4 cup hemp seeds, some grape tomatoes, a plum, 4 dates, a 210 calorie raw food bar, and a small pod of durian that should have tasted better and cost less due to it being in season right now!  Oh, and I spent a bit extra money to try a bit of ripe jackfruit.  Um, it is like breadfruit in that the consistency didn't totally break down--it was like I swallowed gum. Yikes.  I won't purchase this again unless I'm actually in the tropics and want to be adventurous. 

I'm staying focused and feeling happy.

I'm now editing this post to add that a more clear thought came to me about this 100 day commitment.  I'm doing it as a countdown, like I did the water fast, in order to see how the experience matures me.  I of course know how awesome all raw is due to my experience already, but because I continually sabotaged my goals with it after my 4.5 month stint over a year ago, I like how I saw today that this 3+ month deal is just a chunk of time, not a lifetime stressor to get just "perfect" forever.  I know that getting older makes this way of viewing life easier for me because I can see it better in chunks of times and experiences instead of an all or nothing thing that was more common with immaturity; therefore, I feel more at peace and able to do this commitment to myself.  Now saying this, I hope I will continue to stay this clear-headed during the hard times with hormones and life stresses!

Hi Freelea,

Thanks for your post.  Yeah, I see life in the moment also, but I also have lived on survival mode my entire life, not seeing much or any future.  I like to project outward right now from this moment, and I have found the correct view for myself at this time.  We all have our ways that work for us, but really, they do go hand-in-hand toward awesomeness when thoughtfully applied!

Take care.

Awesome news...I got the job!!  I am so happy!  Everything is coming together! 

Thanks, Jungle, for your support!  I've always appreciated it.

The durian this time didn't go so well with me and made me feel "high" to where I ended up eating more today than I wanted.  I also ate some extra watermelon last night, and the sugars in that are addictive for me.  I thought the durian would help calm me down this time, but the high tryptophan hit me in the munchies way.  The last durian was really sweet and easier to handle.  It will probably take me a while to eat up this new durian!  So, I ate more raw food than I wanted today and will eat less tomorrow.  I did hit the gym for only 30 minutes cardio. and 15 weights, but at least I exercised even though I was out of my element a bit.  I'm planning on taking good care of myself tomorrow but will probably stay up a bit late due to hitting a party (only water for me, thank you!).

Congrats on the job!! 

Sometimes raw isn't the biggest priority is it? Sometimes something not-completely-raw is healthier than something 100% raw. Raw isn't just not-cooked - it's reality. You know what you need to do by the sounds of things. I have been eating some steamed pumpkin, beetroot and swede from my mum's organic garden over non-organic foods when I am low on supplies and I think the organic food I know is sometimes a better choice. Sometimes side-steps are the quickest way to the goals! I did have a chuckle when I read Heinz ketchup lol! Sorry . Just unexpected!

Have a divine rest day hey!

Hey if ya can get hold of some tomatoes and handle any more mango, they make a great combo just chopped into a salad, maybe with some coriander mmmmmmmm!

Here is a long update from the last couple of days.  I am going to open up about some of my deeper thoughts and hope they will be accepted because it is a vulnerable place for me.  Well, after my last post, things got really difficult that night.  I was ready and willing to sabotage my raw food success and hit the store for some bread and worse things.  But, thankfully, I listened to that inner knowing that had me feel the negativity of that energy around those thoughts instead of just live in a mental delusion that thought, what the heck, who cares?  I DO care, and I have for a long time, even when I would destruct in some way.  So, I let out that energy in a cry and went to see my mom for some grounding.  It was the lowest point I could get in myself due to being tired from insomnia over my recent facing everything at once in my life (which is a good thing because it means I can handle it since all these deeper issues are popping up now, but oh, I definitely can't handle it the greatest).  My mom was so caring toward me, and I felt like I was that child again who could safely let my guard down and feel protected instead of me doing all the saving of myself and the world in some ways (which is unrealistic).  I have needed to just trust the inner me, but since I was so controlled my entire life by an abusive father, religion, unhealthy people and society, I came out of it all due to my fortitude and knowing, but, how do I still rely on myself 100% when I as everyone are social creatures, and there is no set truth in this world of compromises/murky reasonings?  I am now my own leader, and that frightens me because I don't know if I can totally trust myself since I want what is right.  But, my knowing is what has brought me to what is right.  So, why do I continually second-guess myself?  It is easier to be a follower of some pre-determined belief.  That's why so many people are in a religion of some sort.  But when they are questioned, they say they don't care about the contradictions and confusions.  I think they really do care deep inside but lie to themselves, and I know I do care, and I don't want to lie to myself.  So, my knowing does shout out clearly.  I am working more each day to really believe that is my protection, that I can calm down more and sleep and know that my life is working out wonderfully. 

I know there is a pure essence, undefiled by extra thoughts that can spin outward to form another reality, like a carbon-copy of the original but not the same.  All these extra layers eventually create something so far from the original reality.  I like to call that original state the All That Is.  It just IS.  Love radiates from that pure state, that pure consciousness that is just known once we focus our mind and heart on real truth, purity, goodness, apart from any preconception we can carry.  Some people call it meditation, but even that word carries a religious context to me, and people have purposely used it to allow other spirits or aliens or whatever to take over them and communicate to and through them.  I only go into myself because I have developed enough of a knowing to identify that purity in me.  So, I don't even need to meditate on it unless I am ungrounded in myself, and I unfortunately am still spacy all of the time to some degree, worse when I lack sleep, due to the worst crimes against my person that I endured most significantly as a child (and later as a teenager but by someone else).  I could easily be angry all the time and emotionally and mentally distraught, but, I now know what has brought me through everything, and it is that amazingly pure, correct conscious energy in me.  That is my joy.  That is really my life.  It allows me to see the beauty of life instead of focus on how my body feels or what sadness there is in this world.  It is my grounding because I still am not entirely grounded in this tangible reality.  That is how I feel in-between, like in an aware dream-state, and I can sense energy in others and even read their minds sometimes if I stay in this very intuitive, knowing state.  Since others are more in touch with this physical existence and have not taken the time to go into their solar plexus/heart chakra area of knowing that also links to the crown chakra's visionary mind (these are definitions ascribed by Hindus, but it is the closest I can define to where and how these important energies combine for this proper knowing), they therefore live more out of their mind to define themselves according to their senses, or "science".  Don't get me started about the philosophy of science, because quantum physics is also science.  Also, the kundalini energy that many people talk about is the lowest level, sexual energy that links to reptilian traits, so that in no way comes into the equation of what I am talking about here.

So, in response to banannappeal's question as to how to get to this state, well, I am working on better understanding and defining it all to then help stretch people's minds toward a bigger picture in a book I am compiling (that may take several more years since I also need some more balance in myself with enjoying life in more tangible ways right now, and that would help me relate it all better to myself and others).  But, what I can say is to LISTEN to that prompting in you that goes "HUH?" to something you hear that sounds a bit off or is taken aback by a strange energy.  Align your mind to that space in your core--I feel mine is in/near my solar plexus area--and the positive energy goes up to the heart and outward to fill every cell in my body and then reach the world; that is how I can send out love from afar, not just thoughts.  You even feel the warmth of it.  When you are aware of that beautiful energy in your body, then your mind can become aligned with it to fill your conscious state with correct views.  There will be a unity, a connection that can see through the facade in life and also right through the other person.  That is why the people, men especially since I got closest to them, freaked out because it was so real.  It was actually them, and they knew it deep inside.  I just voiced it, but they did not want to forego their ego state that made them feel safe in their own perception of this physical world.  And, they admitted they could feel an amazing energy exchange between us, which was love by the way, but since they chose to not let love reach deeply inside of them because it would shatter the glass of their self-determined position in society and their internal walls, they cut off that energy of openness and turned away out of fear.  They of course wouldn't admit it was fear but they would say it was doubts.  Um, isn't that the same thing?  But, to speak emotion and energy (love isn't an emotion to me), that would require operating out of that very place that they don't want to let their minds go into.  I can always tell if their minds start to cut off that open, loving energy.

Also, what I saw after the party Saturday night was that I did not have to be afraid of anyone hurting me anymore.  The knowing in me swelled so prominently to confirm that thought (hence, the importance of unity within ourselves), so I knew what I was thinking was correct:  Probably all of those people had a significant level of disconnection in themselves, obvious in their actions and also beliefs once they started talking.  Since I don't have a thick shell, could whatever they have hinder my growth in some way due to me feeling it all?  But, what I experienced was that many people kept coming up to me.  I just stayed myself, unassuming and nice.  What I realized is that when I am acting out the purity in me, that space within them will come to it in me.  Even the worst psychos out there are still people with a measure of the All That Is in them, even when they are completely oblivious to it.  But, what is is what is, and it knows itself, right?  So, in line with the Columbine killers in the heat of their frenzy, their microscopic awareness of goodness in some other kids connected with them and sobered up their thoughts enough to spare those kids' lives.  I want to live in this world but want to do it out of this place from within me and all of us that is pure and good.  I think we can translate it to the five-sense reality and change the way trends have operated.  I am happy that I am accepting myself more and more with my different ability, but we all have this ability, for I think it is our very being that is so kind, but I don't want to feel "sensitive" with it but rather strong in it regardless of how others may perceive me because really, they do not know what I mean with these words unless they are feeling the love behind them.  That is how I think I will get more grounded in myself--full love without any fear.

In regards to the food, I did end up eating more raw food that night after I saw my mom due to being primed in my nerves from all the emotions.  I especially made jicama fries with a bit of salt, and then I added ketchup.  This made it clear to me of my now addictive tendency toward that stuff, so I want to cut out salt entirely eventually, and I also decided to not eat ketchup anymore on this raw experience.  I'm giving away the bottle!  Off the juice! lol

Yesterday, I ate less and non-fat and stood and walked for 2.5 hours at a big store to buy some excellently priced, nice things for myself and the job, and then I got the offer letter about the job, and it was the exact figure that I wanted!  This is proving to be just perfect.  The job description also involves air quality science and regulation, as well as waste management and recycling policy and planning, and other well-rounded stuff.  I was really excited, so I went to the co-op to get the best sun-dried tomatoes to replace that ketchup fix and then visit a raw food friend who had loads of food to give me, which I wasn't aware of.  He said, hey, celebrate, you deserve it, and I ate soo much marinated cabbage and desserts to where it wasn't what I deserved!!  I had to go to the gym after all of that, and I'm still suffering today since I was too bloated to sleep.  It showed me how I want to refine my diet even more since overeating is no fun, but I do feel physically better having overeaten that instead of cooked, and I know I am going to continue to improve.  I wanted to eat less today, but I had a couple raw food bars, a few more dates and pine nuts (now, I'm done with the nuts that I bought at the co-op), a few oranges, and I will have an apple and lettuce after I hit the gym again soon.  I did 55 minutes moderate to heavy cardio. last night, so I'll see how much I'll do today, although I feel strong enough.

Whew, I'm done with this post for now.  I hope it was clear enough!   

Wow, Gosia, thanks so much for your awesome energy that helps me to feel more vibrant also!  Thank you for your post.  I've been meaning to comment on your personal thread, so now I'll finally get to it.

Goodness me what a journey! It's so nice that you are able to go to your mum. That's awesome.

thank you for sharing so deeply. you've given me some things to think about which is normal for me when I read your posts.

Regarding the coconut oil, coconuts can withstand a lot of heat. Coconut oil has been tested and can hold it's heat at up to something like 97 degrees (Celcius) for months without becoming rancid! Your oil should be fine. But really, if you have doubts then the mental side will not be good if you know what I mean. If you are hesitant and don't feel safe then you might be better to get yourself a new lot and use this one as a body lotion.

xoxoxo