I've been meaning to get writing for a while here, but life has been different since the new job.  I've been so tired--if I could just get one day off to myself or at least to work at home, it would be more bearable.  I've decided that this will be my existence for a while, just working, but I do have some social things to do, just not as much as I'd like.  My fitness regimen could be better, but I do make sure to jog most days, which is great.  I'm itching to get on my bike in nature, so that will come.  I also work out in the gym at times, and one is near my job which I may fit in during lunch sometime.  I'm awaiting some NewGrips for weights so I can start my rawbodyweight fitness bootcamp also.  I do some stuff on my own but need more structure (and energy!).  I suck on pull-ups, so if I could get to just one with my shoulder additionally healing more, I will be stoked.

My diet also really helps me with the job.  However, with the stress of taking on projects at work and learning everything, I have overeaten much to my chagrin with recent realization to eat less.  I've turned the corner a few times toward more 811 but then needed some excitotoxins in the form of salt/soy sauce or tea to stay awake during the 8 hours of report writing.  How on earth is that much writing and staring at a computer or reading something else sane to do?  I don't remember doing that in college unless I procrastinated toward the end.  This will at least get me to write more for my book, but will I now have the time?  That's what's bothering me now. 

It's bothering me also that I haven't lost weight due to eating more raw food than I should have.  Today, I wasn't feeling so well, so I ate beautifully at work with my strawberries, bananas, and spinach.  Oh, I had some marinated and sprouted peas also, so that wasn't as beautiful, but remember my excitotoxin....Well, later on this afternoon, I wanted some sushi with more soy sauce, cabbage, avo, carrot, mint/basil, lemon, ginger, bit onion, and tomato, but wow, did that make my body temperature rise up and also my stomach feel sick!  I was doing well while I ate it, and I ate it because I thought I maybe needed it somehow.  Well, my "listening to my body" approach was totally incorrect, and it felt like I got the flu after eating that!  My body really is very overtired, so it needs sleep more than anything.  I ate some heavier dates with coconut oil to "calm" my stomach down.  Yikes, am I overworked. 

The cleaner fruit and green diet I have in the day really helps me out, where it allows my body to deal with the stress/fatigue better and even somehow heal as indicated by me getting a bit sick today and wanting to sleep more lately.  I've found that the reason I haven't slept so willingly nor easily after getting home is because I did not accept this to be my life right now; I wanted more "fun" with doing something else than work, driving in traffic, and sleeping.  So, eating was the answer.  WRONG!  I am also finding excitement in exercise, but really, I just feel lonely, and my eyes are too strained to look at family or friends if I did hang out with them, so I am keeping to myself more right now.  A job where everyone is individually busy is isolating also. 

So, to see more of a positive in this time, that is what I am working toward--keeping and nourishing my center, joy, and balance from within me so I can be more of use to myself and then others, which means I won't feel as lonely inside or out.  I will also not tax my body more with obviously needless and hurtful foods as the extra flavorings, strong onion family, and cabbage are doing.  Oh great, I bought an organic cauliflower because it was on sale.  I have all this food from the farmer's market, too.  I just better eat as my body really needs right now instead of my hungry mind for entertainment/excitement with interesting food concoctions.  It will help that I will visit a raw family this coming weekend to hang out and see how they eat and interact.  I'm not all thin like I want to be, and I do feel pressure to be that way since the raw community puts more focus upon our weight than I've noticed in any other community, but hey, many of these people should be caring too, I hope, and my new raw friend who is a raw food consultant seems to be a really caring person.  I mean, shoot, I'm hard enough on myself on my own! 

So, my plan for the rest of the work week are only fruit and greens.  I'll see how it goes.   

Interesting, I was just wondering while reading your post while would you want to loose any weight, you certainly do not look overweight to me lol! You are right, loving your vibrance is the nicest thing to do.

GOsia

It’s been a month now since I've started!  I have great news now, but I had a couple of slip-ups along the way that I will first address.  The last one was when I was totally out from the chiropractor’s little experiment on my neck.  After he readjusted me a week later, it felt like it was too late, for I was already exhausted and out of balance from work stress, fatigue, and the pain that therefore led me to not feeling and thinking right.  I was at a discount store getting a home item and just caved and got some pickled stuff and a can of peas.  Yuck, I know, but I thought it was harmless enough.  Wow, the salt made me want to eat more, and no, just because I could make that pickled bruschetta topping in a raw version doesn’t mean the cooked one is not going to make me sick.  That helped me further see how raw is totally better, and also when I’m already not feeling well, it really is worse to feel worse—it’s not true when that helpless voice speaks up from years of depression due to having chronic fatigue and therefore saying once again—I don’t care.  Yes, I do!

So, yeah, many things have happened lately and pretty much all good with this 100 day commitment.  I obviously wasn’t perfect, but because I was determined to do this lifestyle, not only for this chunk but hopefully really for life, I have been weeding out a lot of old habits.  I thankfully have connected with an amazing example, leader, and outright beautiful person in the raw community and on this Earth.  His name is Jesse Bogdanovich, and he got cured by raw foods after getting polio from a vaccine when he was a toddler.  He was very ill during his raw food beginnings, but he stuck with it no matter what due to, as he says it, a tube breaking in his brain after reading a quote from David Wolfe’s book that said only pets and people have degenerative diseases and eat cooked food.  He was so ill, and it took a year before he saw things really turn around on the diet.  It was full truth to him, so while emotions came out and physical symptoms kicked up, he stuck to the diet regardless.  He then studied with practically everyone, and he eats mostly fruits and greens now, closer to 811, and little calories because his absorption is phenomenal.  He eschews oils also because he thinks they inhibit absorption by coating the food.  He likes nothing processed and doesn’t even add salt.  By spending the last 2 weekends with him (and his family part of the time—I hope his mom, Ruza, will still be a speaker at Raw Spirit because she’s awesome), I had many epiphanies within myself toward this diet. 

First, I re-thought the whole “false body” concept.  Actually, my body was never false because it reacted properly to the junk I put in it and the emotions that gave it a hard time.  This world is false in too many ways, so although I ate false foods, my body was never false with it.  I saw that my viewing any part of me as false was hindering my self-love.  The only way to truly break free of any of the world’s crap is to totally love our self.

Second, today, I finally saw the full truth about the diet and lifestyle again.  I was sitting to a lunch with Jesse with an amazing salad with no added oil or salt or whatever, and all the subtle flavors were incredible due to the very best farmer’s market ingredients at their peak season.  The bounty of what we had left nothing wanting in me, so it further confirmed it was the right diet.  We were surrounded by a box of nectarines, a bag of plums from a neighborhood tree that I will get back to, cherries, strawberries, loads and varieties of greens, cucumbers, apricots, and tomatoes, and it hit me thoroughly again, just as it did while I was with Harley in late October 2006, that it is like a religion with following this diet.  Now, please bear with me in this analogy because I view religion in an unfavorable light.  Here I am saying it in the most favorable light but am using the word because when I was a fundamentalist Christian, I was “set-apart” from the rest.  It felt lonely, isolating, so different.  But my belief was strong, and I accepted the difference.  Here, I saw so clearly that for me to really do this diet/lifestyle, I was going to have to accept being set-apart, different, isolated from the world.  While I was all raw over a year ago, I stopped seeing the various restaurants and the stores while driving.  I stopped thinking about food with loved ones.  But I also talked more strongly like Harley to my loved ones because my religion was solid.  I knew it was health and saw how they were and that they must do what I’m doing to gain health.  Yes, it is the way, and no, I’m not saying it in a false religious sense, but with how I felt and how I perceived others out of that set-apart knowing was a separation between us.  I saw again how this is reality.  I sat there at the table during eating the extraordinary, low-fat salad, and I stopped eating.  A sadness came through me because I was finally feeling and not just seeing that separation—I was finally letting go my attachment to these people via an unhealthy lifestyle that I obviously still held onto deep inside.  I still couldn’t get totally healthy myself because I didn’t want to have any more distance between me and certain loved ones, so if they were sick, then I could be too.  I was so attached to them at the expense of myself.  Why would we want to live if others are letting themselves slowly die right in front of us? 

But, this time, there is a difference then the last time.  My mom, for instance, and I have gotten much closer since 1.5 years ago.  I also better know what love is and also am more aware toward depression.  When I mentioned this time the benefits of raw when Jesse and I were at her house, I saw her look down in a sort of sadness toward herself because she does know it is healthier and does support me and him, especially with seeing how he really has become well.  That glimpse to her reaction showed me that she is disappointed with her struggle…so, why would I then want to be more hardlining the issue toward her and feeling set-apart when I completely identified with her in these struggles, and she doesn’t need to feel further down on herself but uplifted in our joy in being happy ourselves?  Maybe it’s not so much a set-apart from people we love because love is still there, but it’s a set-apart from the matrix world in which we’ve been pulled away from the truth?  I mean, even at the co-op today, I saw EVERYONE eating something cooked.  It is everywhere.  I saw that I was afraid of stepping out on my own since I already have felt so different from my surroundings while growing up.  But, I am here to go forward, and Jesse helped me see that more also.  He has let go of the fear toward the unknown, and I have wanted to also.  I think it’s time now, even though of course it is a bit scary, but to be more of who I really am, that gives more peace. 

Lastly, I saw that I did have support from my mom when we both came out of actual religion together.  We know that without our bouncing off our thoughts to each other, we wouldn’t have made it out completely.  We are social beings.  I have felt like I had to be totally strong all by myself in my endeavors, just like our capitalist system deludes us into thinking we are only individuals, but really, we are socially conditioned in all of our belief systems.  I therefore needed someone else in society to help me get unconditioned.  That analogy perfectly translates to my needing help with raw.  Thankfully, I have met the most beautiful person with no hidden agenda who is my support in this glorious path.  It warms my heart and being, and it has helped turn me toward the full truth in diet and lifestyle.  I know now that I didn’t take as long as I needed on all raw for the healing to really show itself.  He did.  I now have my truth more activated in fullness within myself and with my new proper society, no matter how small that new society is.  And I look forward to meeting other pure people in my journey. 

Look like you are doing great Theresa.
Yes happily I can report a shrinking tummy when my assimilation improved :-))
Enjoy your weekend out of town, how wonderful it will be for you to meet your new niece! Enjoy xx

Yay, another day of eating wonderfully and progressing more in my path.  However, I have been eating more than I had wanted due to hormones and full on stress.  What I am happy about is that with the unfortunate slip-ups  I had, such as some cooked food last weekend while visiting family and having a few handfulls of vegan chocolate chips, peanuts, and raisins last night at my parents', I then went back to all raw rather well. 

I didn't want to have the slip-ups, but those were the times when I was sooo tired, and when it happened last weekend, I just didn't care because I was on emotional overload.  I was in the pit of the fire so to speak at my grandparents' house, and that's where I encountered my dad for the first time in 6 years.  I have gotten stronger, but he is still in denial with everything.  I went through so much emotion but was stable enough to not run away and face myself most of all.  It ended up being a success although my nerves were shot, especially after the next day when he went to my sister's where I was staying, and it felt even more personal.  I suffered through the somewhat ok vegan food choices that I made, and then thankfully, I had training this week, so I was able to not use my mind so much and skip some meals and eat lightly.  However, back on the job, the stress there really sets me back.  I will approach the boss this week because I just cannot work full-time in that atmosphere.  Wish me luck with getting part-time!

But due to my nerves still being fragile, where I could feel it in the middle of my arms for example, I ate a lot of raw, and I also was too tired and slipped into an unconscious type of functioning to just snack on the chocolate chip and peanut and raisin combo with my step-dad and brother since they watch tv, and since they don't change their ways to socialize with others, I compromised myself and wanted to somehow identify with them, therefore snacking in front of the tv with no care about it.  I have been dealing with so much awareness and caring within myself toward the world that it has been too much, so food wasn't really that important, and it wasn't important at all to me, I saw, when I was at my grandparents' because survival mode in my life took precedence.  I saw so much about myself this week, and thankfully I am stronger with my diet than ever before (although of course there's much improvement to be had), so my little slip-ups were short-lived.  I did dream about eating pizza today, though, so I know that little chocolate and peanut deal was like crack and made me want more junk. 

I was unsettled still in my nerves today due to still having to process a lot of my personal life, and I just wanted some oatmeal to calm down.  I was able to rest my mind for a few minutes, finally, but my body was still stressed.  So, instead of turning to food, I went on a bike ride, knowing I was still tired and overwhelmed.  Well, my rides before were ok and at least manageable in that type of state, but I must have been weaker now, especially in my legs due to having gained a few pounds since then, and today I got heat stress.  Since it wasn't in the 100s today, I thought it would be cool enough, and the air quality wasn't so bad from the literally 1,000+ fires in Northern and Central California, but it was still in the 90s, and the air was heavier.  I got dizzy but managed to not fall off the bike on some turns and rocks in the single track.  I also let my ego tell me to finish the entire 16 mile round-trip, main bike trail, but I pushed the speed and strength too much.  I got dehydrated more than what water I brought, and eventually I just hit a post.  Thankfully I didn't get hurt much except for an aggravation of my shoulder injury, which I'm not happy about, but my bike is fine also.  I am so weak right now.  I will listen to my good sense next time instead of go with my exercise ego.  My lungs also are a bit rough from the air. 

Anyway, I'm trying to not get all pampered in myself as a raw foodist because there are toxins everywhere, and I don't want to feel like I will continually be in a state of detox and be afraid to strain myself.  I was in a bit of pain from a heavy self-contained breathing apparatus that I put on for my training class, but fire fighters deal with that all the time as well as total heat from their protective gear and the atmosphere.  Life is hard sometimes.  But, I do need to find more balance in myself, for today I pushed it way hard. 

My food today was:

2 bananas, 1/2 Tb. coconut oil
2 grapefruit

strenuous bike ride

7 bananas cooled into a pudding with pumpkin spice and a splash of agave (for a treat)
1 cup watermelon (I know, poor food combining, but I really wanted it)

big head of lettuce, few sun-dried tomatoes, couple Tb. soaked sunflower seeds, few small tomatoes, lime juice, tiny bit olive oil and agave also
1/4 pineapple

I'm trying to get to no fat days, but my nerves still want something heavier.  I'll sort it all out as I am longer on all raw.

Now, off to more rest!

Yay--I'm gettting healthier!!  Sorry to post this now during your sometimes dreadful winter season, but my summer time has been amazing this last week!  The sky is perfectly clear and blue--no clouds but not blazing hot like it could have been, just hot.   I went swimming at a river and a lake and hiked, jogged (briefly since I was so weak during the weekend), and walked outdoors every day.  I have a nice tan, I am losing weight (slowly but better be surely), and I have been eating ZERO fats.  That has been hard, but I had my awesome raw friend here for nearly 5 days to help ground me.  I also rested more and let the detox happen instead of sabotage it like I used to because of dealing with chronic illness my whole life--it is hard to believe in health when you feel so icky.  But, now I can see the health prove itself again in this lifestyle and with my practice toward self-love.  I'm also ready to lose the extra pounds I gained as a type of insulation against the world.  Interesting, that.  I am believing in my energy now as my protection because it will and does align me with what is loving since I am cultivating that very energy in myself.

I had my last avocado and some seeds and dried fruit on last Tuesday, as well as some added salt that night since I got in the habit of eating more flavorful things.  Wow, did I get into a quick detox.  I didn't realize how much the fats were impeding my health, and since I changed my previous habit of going to the store during my lunch break to get some raw food bars to help with my nerves (and as a yummy factor that was impeding my full appreciation for fresh foods--not so good for this path, eh?), I just waited it out and ate fruit and also a nice salad to ground me (tomatoes with the sodium has helped also).  Whatever little hunger that popped up was more just digesting the food and probably the stress response from work and an active brain.  I instead drank water during those times or went for a walk.  And when I came home, I wasn't even that hungry.  I ate less, exercised more, got amazing sun, and had good conversations to help me process more of my thoughts.  It's true that getting more sun also helps to go to bed happy.  I am enjoying summer more now and don’t feel like life is only work and recovery.  The very light foods are giving me more energy and clarity of thought instead of the stimulant of salt or dried fruit, or the numbing of fats.  I hope to continue with no fat for a little while longer and then maybe include a bit of fat once every 3 days at the least. 

What was interesting was that on the second day of this way of eating (after the first day that was spent exercising and eating little--this started the detox), I all of a sudden thought of fried corn chips.  I haven’t had those in who knows how long, but something icky with fat was coming out.  Cool.  My throat got sore, and I got weak.  I still have a bit of a sore throat, and the stress also from work is hard to deal with at times (but I’m getting better at my job, so that’s really good), but with having a good friend here to distract me instead of me heading to the fatty foods when I came home on Friday, I realized more that I can release that stressful energy by crying a bit.  I saw that sadness lies at the root of my stress, so when that energy left me, I felt grounded and didn’t need food anymore.  Sadness has been hard for me to face in the past, but I am getting stronger and more self-aware and assured now, so I am finally ready to do what I’ve wanted to do all this time before.  It is such a wonderful energy to know that we can and are taking care of ourselves and moreso are being our true, vibrant self.

Tonight, I worked out at the gym for 55 minutes of good cardio. aAnd 20 minutes of weights.  I also went for a 15 minute walk over lunch. 

I found an amazing garden near my house that is well taken care of, but the people don’t eat the fruit!  I snagged kilos of fresh figs, peaches, tomatoes, and some grapes because they are letting them fall to the ground or shrivel up. 

Today, I had a cantaloupe for breakfast, 6 nectarines and some figs throughout the day, a salad with great lettuce, cucumber, really red tomatoes, cilantro, and lime juice; dinner of more figs and a tomato soup with 1 swiss chard leaf, tiny bit garlic, bit cucumber, cilantro, lime; strong workout, then 3 small nectarines and cucumber soup with mint, dill, lime, and bit garlic.  I don’t need salt or oil at all because the food itself is so flavorful.  The garlic was the treat, but I can’t tolerate much.  Wow, lots of yummy food today, but I still burned more than I ate.  My elimination is better, and my friend said my eyes look clearer.  I finally am seeing good results and feeling them also.

Just got back from the gym this late because I was writing some notes (finally) earlier on some self-improvement and wonderful amazingness that I am gaining.  I am feeilng much better in myself since I am connecting more deeply with a few really good people. 

My mom finally agreed to go more raw (yay!) after getting out of her house and spending last weekend with me and the Bogdanovichs (raw food family who I'm good friends with), and my 8-year old nephew decided to go vegetarian after dissecting a squid's head in science camp a few weeks ago.  After spending the last few days with me for his vacation that ended today, he wants to go more raw also since his body isn't so heavy from other foods now, and he felt a bit sick after eating some raw with me and then eating a cheese tamale.  He knows about veganism also and likes tofu and veggies (even plain lettuce and spinach), so that's an awesome start for someone that young!  I have influenced them both over the years, and finally, they are seeing its truth more profoundly on their own.  I am seeing what I have put out come back to me, even with another friend who has grown much deeper in his core awareness, and there's another who is approaching this with more interest. 

And soon, I will meet lovely Jim from this board after nearly a year of communicating off and on.  Anyone else going to Raw Spirit festival in Sedona, Arizona?  I'll meet Grant there also.  I hope to have more fitness by then (yikes, so soon! But they are out of my league in that department currently), but my diet at least is getting much better, and my body is really happy with only raw foods, mostly fruits and greens.  I ate loads of figs off a nearby tree today, because they tasted like fresh jam, so thankfully I burnt off the extra calories tonight! tee hee.

I'm happy even though I am still tired and in pain often as of late.  Keeping up the good focus is what is carrying me through well.

The first thing i thoguht when i read this was yippeeee! For you... then I thought how amazing it was that you posted the other day that for the first time you didn't cave into raw but let yourself go through the emotions. I'm sure I don't have that 100% correct but it was something like that! Awesome.

xoxoxox