Gosh, this weeks seems to have gone past so quickly!

Yesterday morning I had to go out to get a hair cut - Ed was pressuring me to binge instead and do a no show.
I felt a bit better after breakfast - I always find after a good breakfast I feel a little stronger.
It was nerve racking getting on the train but once your on your on!
I have been practising my American accent - so if you see someone muttering random words in something that sounds South African - it's me!

The food court in David Jones Elizabeth st is great!
I had the best green juice, a large 
Eeerm .. spinach, rocket, mint and cucumber. As I was slurping on that I came across two chocolate pudding fruit!
So I plan on making Freedom's 'Tropical Icecream Pie' YUMMY!
I bought two so that I could make one for my mum. She loves trying some of my food.
I made 'mashed potatoes' last night she thought it was the real stuff. I added a little tumeric to give it that slightly buttery colour.

As you know my relationship with my dad and sister is not so good. My sister called me a f****ing C*** last week - I really don't know why she dislikes me. Maybe she transfers all her anger at my parents divorce onto me?
She uses drugs and has a lot of issues of her own. I think that she and I are trying to deal with everything in our own way. This is just hers. Anyway I found out that she had tried to kill herself again, she is not injured thank goodness she never actually did anything. I am never sure what to think of her as she tends to spiral towards the dramatics. Although to her face and everyone elses I take her deadly serious as the moment I dismiss her threats she is likely to go over the edge. I could knock her head off. Though the moment she calls for help I melt - she is still my little sister and I love her, no matter how much she is hurting me.
Sometimes I wish I could just take her pain away.

It's interesting. My partner had a stressful childhood with a mentally ill and paranoid mother and he grew up to have a major drug addiction and his sister an eating disorder. Yeah, I think it is a way of coping with the stuff our parents project onto us.

If your sister is using drugs heavily then they would be completely altering her mind and nature. It's a hard thing to remember when a family member becomes abusive... there may also be psychological issues at work. Often times drug abuse is a way of self-medicating for undiganosed or untreated stuff going on beneath the surface. Also as a teenager this is her most moody and disagreeable time. Most teenagers are awful little brats. It takes a while for us to grow a personality during our teens. hehe. Still, the anger and abuse directed at you is not good for you. As a teenager she might be squirmy with any 'sappy stuff' but she might also really appreciate you letting her know you are there for her - even if she reacts badly to it outwardly, inwardly she might be very grateful and you will be surprised... she will never forget it, anyway, and when she gets through the difficult stage it might change things a lot.

I think you also need to find a sacred place for yourself. Somewhere you can go that is just yours and no one elses. Where you can be alone, think, write, draw, muse, sing whatever... just somewhere for you as an escape. Somewhere outside, a sunny spot near the water maybe.

You're being so brave and dealing with a difficult situation with such grace and beauty... brava to you. I'm so admiring.

You found chocolate pudding fruit in Sydney? Where where? And how did you make the mash?

Keep on trucking, Monkey.

This week on raw I have been feeling a little better - just in terms of bingeing.
I am trying lots of different things and have even found that my salt intake has decreased dramatically.
I find that raw seaweed is a great addition to most savoury dishes. I made a great waldorf - ish type salad last night with some ground sesame seeds for a dressing - instead of salt I threw a tablespoon of dried dulse over the top.

Yesterday for afternoon tea I had a fuyu persimmon, I really love them except I find now that I get half way through one and the sweetness gets a bit much!

On Sunday I had a blended salad for lunch and I felt a little queasy afterwards, i thought it might be due to bad food combining but it contained no fat only vegetables, greens, sprouted beans and 1/2 a banana. It could have been my nerves (I had to go to the movies that afternoon and I get nervous in crowds)

I got invited to a 21st on saturday night, Ed had already decided that 'we' should not go.
'It will suck'
'Everybody will ignore you'
'You have nothing to wear'
'It's too cold'
'He is only inviting you to make up numbers' etc etc...

I talked to my mum about it and we both knew that I had to show Ed who is boss. I wanted to go but Ed didn't.
It took me a while to be able to move my frozen legs out of the car. I said to my mum 'I can't put off living for another day'.

I actually had a nice time - it was a small low key event at a nice hotel - I had a savoury green smoothie right before I left so that kept my tummy happy and allowed me to focus on having fun!
I got home around midnight and I was a little hungry so I had some plain fruit and went to bed.

I got a few nice compliments yesterday from two different ladies. One asked me if I were wearing foundation - (I hate the stuff!) or had I fake tan on because my skin looked so good. Another asked me how I looked after my skin.
'Uum lots of fresh air' ??!? hehe

A girl at the party on saturday who had not seen me in a year (I was deep in the grips of Ed and cooked food when I last saw her) she said that I looked 'beautiful and there was something about me now, though she could not put her finger on it.
Of course I didn't say it, but I felt like yelling: EAT YOUR GREENS DUDE! 

AWESOME to read, miss Monkey. So glad you went out and showed ed what for! nertz to him!

and isn't it awesome when you start getting the compliments associated with raw eating! :D

You know, I was just thinking about how bad my binge eating and bulimia used to be. But even more so my diet.
I am only in the beginning stages of my recovery but the amount of clarity I have now compared to this time last year or the year before is drastically different.

The most frustrating part of recovery is time - I want to be better RIGHT NOW!
I don't want to take days, months, years to recover. I know I have to do this - but I want recovery right now!

Only moments ago Ed hit me with the good ol' 'just binge' line ...
- but then I thought 'What is important to me?'

Each and every time after I have obeyed Ed - I feel:
Worse than I did before
Exhausted
Angry
Ashamed
Hopeless
Terrified
Suicidal

So why do I listen to him?

I have found that even the most painful day of going against the grain and fighting and fighting Ed is a billion times better than just caving in and doing what he says.
I would rather fight than binge or vomit.

I want to go to bed each night and be grateful that I did something positive in my day. I find that after a painful day or fighting Ed, this gratitude is my reward - and it makes the fight so worth it.

With each raw meal that I eat - I feel so blessed and thankful that RAW has found me.
I feel good when I take care of myself and that little girl inside of me.

Hey lovely Monkey, checking in to see how you are doing!